Friday, July 20, 2012

Long Distance Relationships

I was speaking with a friend of mine who said he had not seen his girlfriend in over a year-he's here in Lagos and she is in Jos-and that they were gradually becoming strangers, they barely had anything to say to each other when they spoke on the phone, said he was gradually forgetting what she looked like and was losing interest in the relationship.  I perfectly understood where he was coming from, because personally don't do long distance relationships either.  It’s usually stressful and very difficult to maintain and the tendency for it to fail is high, although to be fair, quite a number of them are successful.  Now when I say long distance, I don't mean Surulere to Island o, I mean inter-state or country.

Funny enough though, I’ve met people who actually prefer LDR to having their partners around, they feel they can "breathe" better without having their partners constantly afoot, They are free to conduct their personal business without questions, and then there's the thrill of re-uniting after a long period apart.  As Ii said earlier, me o, I don't like LDR at all, I’ve been in a couple of them and, yes, they failed.  Here are my reasons I feel LDR is doomed to fail:

Firstly, I know people say "Distance makes the heart grow fonder”, but me I say "Out of sight is out of mind".  this is because not seeing one constantly, you realize that you begin to grow apart, you don't talk as regularly as you used to, sometimes, you might not even have anything to say to each other. a colleague of mine left to another place, and I missed him a lot, because we were pretty close, with time though, I began to realize I rarely thought of him, not that we stopped being friends, but we kind of lost that closeness. The same thing applies in a relationship, when you see each other regularly, you share tidbits of what happened during the day, you look forward to seeing them and hearing about their day, it’s usually not the same with talking on the phone.

Secondly, trust issues begins to arise. I know we are supposed to trust our partners’ unconditionally-abi is it love sef-but sometimes, you can’t help but not trust them.  When you are in an LDR, u can’t monitor their activities, you don't know what they are doing, if and when they are lying and if they are actually being faithful.  Every time you call and they don't answer, your mind goes into overdrive mode and you begin to imagine all sorts of things.  Furthermore, you don't learn about someone’s character from talking on the phone and sending pictures via BB, these are things you learn from constant interaction.  Have you ever tried settling relationship disputes over the phone?  Gosh!  It’s one of the most frustrating things ever, you are conscious of airtime, you both cant shout at the same time, heck, you don't even know if they are being sincere or not
Next, we meet people every day and gradually, innocent friendship begins to develop where it ordinarily should not.  At first you tell yourself it’s no big deal, after all it’s not like your being unfaithful or anything, but we all know how it is, it always starts innocently then graduates to something else. Then look at the cost of keeping in touch, if you are not working, you realize that the cost of constantly crediting your phone is telling on your pocket, and somehow, it always falls on one person to do all the calling.  Eventually, you become tired and give up entirely.

One of my friend's major problem is that he has not had sex in awhile and he thinks its unhealthy for a guy to go a long time without sex. Seriously???  ( Roger, stop walking by and tell me if it’s true). So many guys hold on to that excuse, but hey, what do I know.

Finally, I love to cuddle, I am a very cuddly person and there's just so much that a teddy bear can do, so if you’re not around to cuddle...well that's just a deal breaker!

Anyway, LDR can be made to work, so long as you don't stay apart for too long.  make it a habit of visiting at least once in 4 months, so you don't lose that thing that hold you together...and you don't forget what your partner looks like.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Why am i still single?

 So today, we are trying to find out why are a lot of ladies still single.  Yes, we are going in straight today.  Are we single because we dream of wanting the perfect guy, one who does not even exist, and we forget to face the realities of life?  On the other hand, is there something wrong with all the brothers out there?

I am still single, and I’ve been told severally that it’s probably because I set my standard too high, and that I need to lower it because it might be affecting me negatively.  However, is there really anything like setting your standard too high?  Should I settle for less because I want to get married quickly?  Is it wrong to want the best?  Believe the answer to that question is a resounding NO.  There’s nothing wrong in wanting the best, but you have to know where to draw the line between watching too many romance flicks and facing the realities of life.

Every woman/man wants someone who will complement them where they are lacking and under no circumstance should any woman compromise this just because she wants to get married; we all know where that will lead to: A DIVORCE.

Now, in searching for our supposed Mr. Right, there are basic things to watch out for: Is he hard working?  Honest?  Focused?  God-fearing?  Respectful?  Does he encourage your dreams?  Is he one who constantly puts you down?  Does he ask for your opinion on things?  Does he carry you along on things?  These are just some of the things one should look out for in a life partner.  Don't get me wrong o, there’s nothing wrong in wanting a handsome ,rich and sexy looking guy, but should those be his only qualities?  Is it enough to marry a person based on their physical attributes?

 A colleague of mine who got married a couple of months ago is currently bemoaning the fact that his wife practically has no idea of what to do with a home.  When I asked him why he married her, he said he was captivated by her beauty, so I told him to stop complaining and enjoy his beautiful wife.  And that's where most of us women get it wrong, we wait so long in the hope that some handsome and extremely rich prince will come and sweep us off our feet, that we wake up one morning and realize that we are 35 and still single, with no clue as to how or why we are still single, if you find yourself in this category, then you really need to re-assess and  re-prioritize your qualities in a man(Onyinye take note, though am not yet 35 sha).secondly, we really should stop looking for MR PERFECT.  He doesn't exist, Mr. perfect is the man i described in my last post, and i don't think any copies of such guys still exist in our world of today, they have all gone into extinction, rather, we should look for someone whose faults we can live with (after all, every man comes with a little fault, not from the manufacturer sha), but whatever you do, don’t settle for less.

Now don't get it twisted, am not saying one should not look for a handsome guy-God knows I pray for one daily-but there should be more beyond his looks.  Most times when you meet a man, you just go "I can’t marry him" or "I will love to marry him".  Why is that?  We are repelled/attracted by what we see, but it shouldn't end there, we should get to know him either ways and that should be the deciding factor, not his looks.  some of us have a checklist or quadrants (as one of my readers said)that we use to score men, but sometimes, we need to go outside our box, from experience sef, I've found out that most good looking guys are poorly behaved, so after a while with them you begin to wonder what you ever saw in them.

learn to look beyond the physical and you will find out that you begin to see people in a whole new light, give that guy a chance and there just might be a ring on your finger soon(Tavia, I see you, give that guy a chance) *winks*.  And as one of my readers said, we should constantly ask ourselves this “are you worthy to be called someone's miss perfect?" that should be food for thought for the ladies"(Yetunde i hear you)

Lastly, don't snub anyone because you feel they have nothing to offer, or there's no connection.  You have got to give it time, open your heart and let fate take its course; I believe that you should find someone you can grow into love, wealth and happiness with instead of finding instant love.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

My Mr Perfect

I just thought of how I want my future husband to look like: tall-at least six ft- dark, as in deep chocolate cream colour, well built, flat stomach -no pouch or sagging heap of flesh- someone who can lift me up and hold me for at least five minutes, I want him to be as handsome as sin, have the sexiest smile ever and a little dimple when he smiles. I don’t want a beautiful man, I’d rather he be ruggedly handsome and exude male sexiness everywhere he goes. I want a patient man who will tolerate all my eccentricities with his sexy smile and deep chuckle. I want an attentive man (I love attention a lot), I want him to be caring, not overly possessive or emotional, a great cook who doesn't mind cooking occasionally, and did I mention he has to be well built? He should be playful but serious and hardworking, with a great sense of humour and a perfect command of English. He should be faithful, and most importantly, he should have money, not necessarily plenty, but enough to take care of our needs. Perfect right? Well that’s what I want and I am betting a whole lot of other girls want this too. There's just one tinny tiny problem here, I don’t know if these kind of men exist or where to find them even if they existed. Anyways, every girl has a right to her dreams, and this is mine. So am going to continue dreaming, until he comes and sweeps me off my feet! Some people might think am crazy to even think of this, but is it so wrong to want something this good? or to wish yourself the best? Abi who no like better thing? Next week, we will look at some of the dangers of wanting and waiting for this kind of men (who most probably do not exist), and why a lot of women are still single.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Winning God's Heart

Today we are talking THANKSGIVING.something happened at work and i was struck by the importance of saying "THANK YOU". Do you realize how little we give thanks to GOD,and how much we demand from him. We never actually stop to just say "thank you lord"! most of us do not know that that is the cause of so many unanswered prayers. We have been given so much by God and we never think to even appreciate him,even if its just a little. The fact that we wake up every morning is enough reason to give thanks to God.
I just imagined I was God,to see how I would feel,I know I would have stopped giving people stuffs tey tey sef! I remember a neighbor I had in school back then,Vera. she could beg,mehn,she could beg! At first I had no problem with giving her stuffs o,she begs for water,maggi,rice,salt and crayfish and then after giving her,she would say in her edo accent"abeg make I just quickly borrow that your stove take arrange the rice". that in itself was not a problem,it was the fact that she never said thank you that had me all riled up,she always felt it was her right to be given things whenever she asked for it and the funny thing was that she got really angry whenever one said no to her,eventually,I totally stopped giving her stuffs,not because I dint have,but because She never seemed to appreciate the little that was given.
That's how we are,after being given so much,we get really angry with God when he seems not to be giving us what we think we need. oh! if we only know how powerful our thanksgiving was: it opens doors and windows in heaven and pours down blessings.
If you watch Yoruba movies,and you've taken note of the praise singers,you would see how important there job is,it softens the king's heart towards his subject and he grants them their wishes probably faster than he would have.
In the words of the late Oliver D'coque "eto dike  na nke'omere eme,ome kwa ozo (pardon my horrible ibo) itsimply means,when you praise/thank a king for what he has done,he does so much more. The same principle goes for God,look am giving you expo on the easiest way to get stuffs from God.(don't tell him i told you o). lets look at biblical examples of what happened when people praised and thanked God
1. the walls of Jericho came down for the Israelite.
2.Jonah was vomited by the fish when he began to thank God.
3. remember the story of the ten lepers that were healed? only one came back to say thank you,and what happened? his sins were forgiven.
These are just a few of what happens when people thank God. you can apply the same principle to your life. try praising and thanking God for  a week,no demands,no asking or begging for anything,just thank him for the ones he has done,i believe he deserves it.
Anyways,this is my own avenue of saying thank you to God,i finally got a laptop(yaayyy) and i promised him the first post I type will be dedicated to him,so join me in thanking God for beautiful things being done in my life!