Monday, June 18, 2012

MAKING COMPROMISES IN RELATIONSHIPS


Hello again, my topic today is one that has been on my mind for a while now and I decided to share with you.
A little intro: girl likes to read novels a lot and likes her rice really soft. Girl meets boy, boy does not like novels, does not like soft rice. Girl totally stops reading novels even though it makes her unhappy. Girl starts cooking rice half-done even though she hates it. Boy is happy and none the wiser. Girl is unhappy but trying to please boy.
So here is what I am asking, why do people loose themselves and their self essence in the hope of keeping their partners happy? Specifically why do women loose themselves in trying to keep their men happy? Before the men begin to crucify me, I am not writing from a feminist angle. I’ve observed relationships and also from my own experiences, I’ve seen that it is mostly women who are affected by this.
A friend of mine loves to wear skirts, she had all kinds and she barely made up. She is a really beautiful girl (not up to me o). Then she met this guy. One day she came to my house wearing jean trousers and fully made up, I almost didn’t recognize her. When I asked her what on earth she thought she was doing, she said, “It’s how Tayo (not real name) likes me to dress “. Throughout the duration of her stay, I noticed how uncomfortable she was and I had to ask her if Tayo put a gun to her head and forced her to dress like that, she said she was doing it to please him, even though she hated it. I was stunned. I asked her if Tayo knew about how she felt dressed like that and she said he did, but he liked girls who wore trousers and were fully made up with the nails and eyelashes properly in place. Anyways, I felt she was exaggerating, I mean, when he saw her was she not wearing a skirt? Was she not without make up? But I still told her not to lose herself in pleasing him.
Two days later, I was supposed to go to the movies with them, so I went over to her house and Tayo was there. After she had finished dressing-in jean trousers and a top I knew she was not comfortable in – Tayo looked at her as if to say aren’t you forgetting something? She had just on a little powder and a light lipstick, infront of me, she actually pleaded with him to let her keep her light make up and he sulkily agreed, but you could see the petulant look on his face, so she had to go back in and apply the full works of mascara and the likes. When she was in the house, I tried talking to Tayo about it, and his reply? “I like girls like that”. Where do you see that relationship heading? My friend is always going to hate herself whenever she goes out with him, but she will stick with him and ENDURE! I told my colleagues at work the next day and some of them said so what? It’s a small change and she should be willing to do that if she loves him. It usually starts from there, she changes her dressing, her religion, the types of food she eats and maybe at some point, her sex, if he so pleases!
Now, I am somebody who believes in compromise, I believe we all go into a relationship with our own quirks and so should be able to make compromises to accommodate the other person’s eccentricities to a certain extent. Should some changes be made? Definitely, it stops being just you, so you need to change some habits where necessary. But should you lose yourself and all you stand for? HELL NO!
Sometimes in a relationship, you realize that there is nothing left of you because you have changed totally just to accommodate one who isn’t even willing to make one little concession for you. Why I said it applies mostly to women is they have the hard time of it trying to show a man that they are “wife material” so they blindly assent to whatever he says, and at the end you don’t even know who you are anymore. Sometimes I wonder if the men aren’t bothered. Do you not want to know the real her? Do you not want to know what she likes too? Do you not believe in compromise?
Well the women are not free from blame too because they act like it’s no biggie while they are unhappy deep down. Why not tell him that you don’t like making up or wearing skirts or trousers? What makes you think he won’t accept you for you? Why can’t you stand firm and let him know that some things cannot and should not be changed? Why act the martyr in the name of love?
I remember a movie I watched years ago, some of might be familiar with it. “The runaway bride”, featuring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. There was a scene where he asked her how she liked her eggs, she said scrambled just because he likes it scrambled. After quizzing her for a while, he found out that her choice of egg depended on the choice of whatever boyfriend she had at the moment. She had actually forgotten that she had a right to like it differently. Does that sound familiar? Does that sound like you? If yes, then you need to go on a self discovery journey before it’s too late. There are some things about you that should NOT be touched!
Personally, I love to read novels a lot, I actually have over 200 and counting, I hate onions and I want to be buried in jeans. Yes, I love jeans that much. So if I meet a guy who hates jeans, am I supposed to stop wearing them? Seriously? I could reduce how much I wear them, but stop??? NO. I could start liking onions (I don’t even want to think about it) but don’t expect me to start drinking garri with it.
Finally, I am not saying we should stubbornly refuse to change anything for fear of losing oneself, there should be room for change on both ends, but the most important thing is to still retain that thing that makes you to be you, to still retain your essence!