Sunday, January 10, 2016

MEMOIRS OF A FRUSTRATED GIRLFRIEND (fiction)

A while ago, a friend came to see me, and screamed after see the 700 or so novels in my room. We got talking about it, and she encouraged me to give writing a try, and since I have always harboured a secret longing to be the next Chimamanda Adichie, I decided to give it a try. Please review with love.



MEMOIRS OF A FRUSTRATED GIRLFRIEND

 Image result for frustrated black woman


 Look Itohan’ I started,
I am officially sick and tired of being a girlfriend o, I want to be wifed already for Pete’s sake! For the past four weeks now I’ve been attending weddings and getting some really annoying looks from those old women, some of them even have the temerity to come and ask me when they will eat my own rice, as If rice is their problem.’
Itohan bursts out laughing,
 abeg , kamsi don’t make me choke on this food biko. So what did you tell them?
‘What will I tell them again?  I told them to send their sons to me if they so desperately wish
to see me married instead of asking me all these yeye questions.’
‘Haba babe, there was no need to go off on them like that, I think they were only being concerned’.

‘IT, leave matter for Matthias jare, I am pretty sure if you were in my shoes you would have said worse, anyways I don’t blame you, after all you have a husband and two wonderful kids, so you couldn’t even begin to imagine the pressure us single girls have to go through these days;  You remember Mrs. Awodunmila right?’
She thinks for a while
 ‘Yeah, I think I do the one with the pregnant looking husband right’?
‘Yes o, she came up to me after mass on Sunday to tell me she has been doing a special novena for me so I could find a husband, see me see wahala o!’
That woman’s own is too much sef, what’s her business in this one now; she’s just looking for trouble.
Her phone rings interrupting our discussion, after a while;
‘Hmmmm, IT, do you know my mother went to one of those dubious money-laundering-candle-using churches to go and pray for me and even invited me so they could pray for me and see if mammy water is disturbing me, or its spirit husband that is attacking me.’
‘Hahaha, kamsi this is getting serious o, what did you tell her?’
‘What do you think I told her, I told her to go and adopt grandchildren if she wanted them so bad jare and let me be; you’d think I was clocking 80 the way everyone is carrying on, I am just 32 for crying out loud, I know its old, but I don’t need to be reminded of it every single day of my life. I already go through enough emotional traumas without all the reminders.’
‘Kamsi don’t be too hard on your mother jor, she’s just trying to look out for you like any caring mother would.  Why not talk this through with Bankole and see what he says about it.’
‘Eh… Itohan, I don’t want him to feel like I am pressuring him to propose, you know how guys get when they are put in a corner like that.’

Ehe o Kamsi, meaning what now?
she takes a sip of water
 ‘You’ve been with him for 5years now; what do you mean by pressure?  Abeg stylishly ask him and if he still doesn’t take the bait, buy a ring and propose to him.’
‘Aha noooooo, e never reach that level o, anyways, I guess I’ll have to have that dreaded talk with him today.  By the way, have you heard from Aisha of late?’
'Gosh Kamsi, I feel so sorry for her that I don’t even know what to say to her anytime I call, everything is moving so fine for me now that I wouldn’t want her to think I was rubbing my marriage in her face, she tried to commit suicide for God’s sake!’
‘Poor girl, after 6years of suffering with that useless man, only to find out that his mother already had a wife for him and he just led her on, me eh, instead of committing suicide, I would have killed him and run to Togo to hide.’
We both laugh
‘Kamsi, do you know I even saw the idiot at that event at Muson centre yesterday, and he tried to chat with me as if everything was alright, the look I gave him was enough to burn a human being, and the fool just shrugged and walked away. I was tempted to pour the water I had with me on him, only that it would have been a waste of good water’
 she said with anger on her face
Itohan, men could be so useless!  Anyway, thanks for lunch dear, I have to get going.  Kole says he wants ofada rice for dinner and I have to be a good girlfriend and go prepare it’
 I said rolling my eyes.
She laughs ‘my friend, you have turned into a proper Yoruba girl, see what love is doing to you’ she gives me a hug and says ‘don’t worry, everything will work out fine for you; kole can’t even begin to live without you.
I hope so’ I said, talk to you later then.
As I carefully drive to the market with my big learner;s sign clearing the road for me, my phone rings and I take a little time to enjoy the ring tone I assigned to kole before I pick it up;
‘Hey baby, I was just thinking of you’
Theres the slightest hesitation before I get a ‘yeah me too’
and then he says
‘babe we need to talk, are still on for tonight?
 ‘Yeah, don’t forget my ice-cream’ I said, then we said our ‘I love yous’ and I hang up, before I get into trouble with LASTMA.
Did I imagine that slight hesitation, nah, it’s probably nothing. I smile to myself as I look forward to tonight, I guess tonight is the night all my novenas to saints both real and imaginary will yield results, all the twenty one days fasting and mountain climbing will pay off today. I just can’t wait…