Saturday, September 8, 2012

Should I stay or run?

“I´m dating a Nigerian guy, but I don´t know if he is Igbo or Yoruba. The thing is, he is extremely romantic, sweet, likes to cook, clean, etc. but he gets angry for small things. He has to have the last word for everything... Including my hair color and style, the nail´s color, clothes, friends, etc... He controls everything... Common! He is very religious and smart but the last thing he did was he showed me a picture of the wedding dress he wants me to wear... I´m confused because he is a mix of romance and control at the same time, but he respects me and pampers me too much.. SHOULD I RUN AWAY OR STAY??”

 This is a mail that was sent to Myne Whitman on her blog romance meets life. There were quite a number of comments, people telling her to be careful and generally giving their own piece of advice. There were also a couple of comments which I totally do not agree with, but we will get there later. I have a couple of issues with her mail that I would like to discuss before we get to the main question. Firstly, “you don’t know if he is Igbo or Yoruba”? Seriously! Then what do you know about him? These are the basics of friendship, not to even talk about a relationship, it’s like saying you don’t know his name or where he lives! Its one of two things; its either you are not committed enough to even bother about the little details of his life, or he is hiding something from you, which is a sign of trouble or better still, you are both in it for the wrong reasons, which means your foundation is shaky, you gotta fix that first before any other thing.

 Now to the main issue; ‘should you stay or away’? I would say RUN! Most people in their comments said it was all up to her to decide, but that isn’t advice as far as I am concerned, if she knew what to do, I don’t think she would have asked for advice, so I am adding my own little advice for what it’s worth: FLEE AWAY FROM HIM AS FAR AS YOUR LEGS CAN CARRY YOU! From your description, he sounds like a control freak and you know what happens when they don’t get their way, they get physical really violent. Some people, as seen in the 2 comments below see nothing wrong in it.

“i don't see any problem here or in ur relationship, are u not happy with him, the man is always in control, i mean he is the head pls go ahead & enjoy ur respect & pamper as for the anger that is his shortcoming, if he is managing urs knowing fully well that u re not perfect then manage his also, for me from what u describe him to be, he is the boo.so relax ur nerves & enjoy him.”

and

“i want u to know that it is love that is making him to control u in that way and why u re still seeing the whole thing the way u re seeing it is because u have not calm down and ur mind is not settled yet, pls all u need to do is just to be submissive and relax. he is inlove and when real men are inlove the are always incontrol and incharge, he is even better than those ones that will pretend and marry 2moro u will start seeing a different person entirely for me he is okay, stop those little things that makes him angry and also work on urself too.the next person will definitely not be the best,what u have is better than what u re dreaming of, for me pls stay where u re he is okay.”

 After all, he is the man and so should be in charge, which I think is true, but there has to be a balance, there has to be room for compromise, a middle ground. It’s obvious she has no say in this relationship and her voice doesn’t count. I did a piece on compromising in relationships, find it HERE. One has to know where to draw the line and say enough is enough and in this case, enough is indeed enough. Does she even have a say in what kind of food she eats or does he still decide that for her? As women, we sometimes appreciate a certain amount of authority and assertiveness in a man, I don’t know the rationale behind that, but I occasionally find it sexy and appealing, but like I said, OCCASIONAL, not when it becomes demeaning and suffocating. “He even picks her friends”, jeez! That’s just the height of it.

 My dear girl, there is nothing to be confused about, I get that you enjoy being pampered, but be careful lest you be pampered and choked to death. BTW, I refuse to believe that he respects you, because if he did, he wouldn’t treat you this way, he wouldn’t run your life, he would seek and value your opinions, he would respect your choices and give u a little breathing space and most importantly, he will let you pick your own freaking wedding dress!!!

Nevertheless, before I crucify the guy, I would like to know one thing, because she dint say anything about it in her mail: have you discussed this with him? Does he know how you feel? Do you make him feel like you are enjoying it all? If you are yet to discuss these with him, then please do so before taking any decisions. However, if you have discussed this with him and he sees no problem, then my dear, I would advise you to eh… take the nearest keke napep and run for dearest life.

I rest my case.