The marriage craze

THE MARRIAGE CRAZE

A couple of days ago, a girlfriend of mine called me and said she was getting married. After I heard the good news, I had to pause for a while and look at my life, and I realized my biological clock was ticking away loud and clear. I am older than she is by a couple of years so naturally I was worried – just a little bit though- that I was getting old, but I consoled myself with the fact that I am still young, so there is still time for me, I mean, what’s the hurry right??

After speaking with her and reflecting a little on my life, I decided to call a couple of friends together so we could meet and make arrangement towards the wedding. When we met I saw such forlorn faces that I had to ask if somebody was dead. The general response I got was that they were getting really old, and time wasn’t on their side anymore, yet there was no man in the picture. One of them actually said she was tired of her life. It was a meeting full of lamentation. Funny enough none of these women are up to forty years. These are women who are financially independent and very successful in their various jobs and here they were feeling so miserable about the absence of a man in their lives. One of them actually said she had started asking men out instead of waiting for men to do the asking. At this stage though I had to disagree with her, there is no way I am asking a man out no matter how old I get. You can call me old fashioned or a prude, I still hold on to that opinion.

It got me thinking, what is it about being single that got these beautiful and successful women into feeling so miserable? Is it because we are in a society that frowns at a woman being single once she hits a certain age? Or Is it because some women just can’t help feelling unfulfilled without a man.?

This marriage craze has made so many women go into marriage with their eyes closed. They marry the first person that says hi to them just so that they will join the trend of married women and the end result is always a disaster. Of course they suffer silently because it would be a shame to actually come out and admit there was a problem with their marriages. It has become a kind of game of “who will get married first”.

I have a friend who had that mentality, and she was determined to get married at all cost. In January 2010, her New Year resolution was to get married before the end of the year. At this time, she had no boyfriend, not to talk of a fiancé, but she did not see that as an obstacle, she said she would get pregnant if she had to, just to get married. By December of 2010, there was still no boyfriend in the picture, and she almost committed suicide. She is just 31years old.

A colleague of mine at work said she had so many people asking her when she was getting married, that she was almost tempted to grab the first man she saw on the street and marry him. Just to keep people off her back. Now when asked, she just tells them that she can’t marry herself, so when there is someone to marry her, she will let them know. A friend’s parents actually threatened to disown her if she was not married by the age of 33.

So many women suffer emotionally and psychologically because they are still single at a certain age. Funny enough, i have met women who have no interest in marriage, at least for now, and they are doing very well for themselves.

So the question today is this: should women have to go through so much worry because they are single? Isn’t this marriage thing a little overrated? And most importantly, should women continue to torture themselves just because a man has not realized the extremely priceless jewels that they are?    

How long is too long?

How long is too long

I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while because it’s just been stuck in my head, it wasn’t until a friend of mine said something about it that I decided to put pen to paper.

How long should people date or be together before they sign the dotted lines? In the course of discussion with this friend of mine, I asked about her long time boyfriend, and she said they were taking a break, why? You might ask, she has been with him for the past eleven years, and he’s yet to show any sign of putting hearth to home, yes you heard me right,11 years, and I ask myself, why should anybody wait that long for anybody? If after five yrs of being together, your spouse has not decided what he/she wants out of the relationship, well, it’s goodbye I guess.

I asked a couple of people and I found out that many women hold on in vain, with the hope that one day, he’ll pop the million dollar question. A couple  of women said that after being with their spouses through thick and thin, they were given the silliest excuse in the books like, “my mother thinks you are too tall,” or  “we are not compatible” or “you are too fat”, the funniest I heard was “you are half-cast”, and we don’t marry half-cast in my family, the most common was “we don’t marry from a different tribe”.

Seriously? After 5 or 6 yrs together you just realized she was too slim, or too fat, or too dark, or that she couldn’t she couldn’t cook? Did you not know from the onset know that your family wouldn’t accept women from other tribes or religion? Or that it was forbidden to marry a half cast?

The guys I spoke with mostly said the same thing, if after 5-6 yrs he doesn’t know where the relationship is headed; 8years isn’t going to make any difference to him.

Some people might say that with love, the wait is always worth the while, but let’s assume I’m 28 years old, and I meet a guy who after 6years still isn’t ready to settle down, should I continue to wait for him in the name of love?

So my question today is this, how long should one wait or date before he packs his bags and leaves? How long is too long?        

Secrets (two)

SECRETS (TWO)

                                                                             

After last week’s topic on secrets, I got a lot of response from readers, and I’ll be sharing one of those responses. For those who missed last week’s edition, we talked about the disadvantages of revealing secrets from your past to your spouse, and we also shared a couple of experiences from people who told it all.

Today, we’ll be talking about the consequences of not revealing those past secrets. Let’s take the story of Mrs. Okoye (not real name).

“I was a lady of the night when I met my husband, but after meeting him, I decided to give up that life and settle down with him. I managed to put a stop to my trade, and put it all behind me. After taking this life changing decision, I felt it wasn’t really necessary for my husband to know about my past, since I had no intension of ever walking down that road again.

We eventually got married, and all seemed to be just fine and dandy, until a distant uncle of my husbands’ whom I was yet to meet came back from Malaysia for a little family visit, my husband was kind enough to offer to accommodate him for the duration of his stay in this country. On that faithful day, the said uncle came home, and when he saw me, he smiled like he knew who I was, although I was very sure we were yet to meet. For two days after his arrival, he took every chance he got to smile at me lasciviously or to make rude and inappropriate comments about my looks. I became very uncomfortable with him in the house, and I tried discussing it until my husband, but being a man that he is, he said he had seen nothing untoward with his uncle’s behaviour around me. After a while, I decided to come out straight and ask Uncle Ken what his problem was, then I got the shocker of my life. He had been one of my “Clients”, and he said he would like to patronise my services again. At this stage, I panicked and begged him not to say anything to my husband; he agreed on the condition that I slept with him just one last time, I refused of course.

I took a decision to come clean about my past that night, but as the devil will have it, Uncle Ken beat me to it. My husband couldn’t believe his ears, he was so angry and disappointed, not just because of the life I had led, but the fact that I kept my secrets away from him. He said it was simply unforgivable. We are currently separated.”

This is just one of the many responses I got, almost all of them toeing the same line of “if only I had just told him/her” about my past. I happen to be one of those people who believe that “what you don’t know, won’t hurt you”, because in as much as we say we would rather know the truth, we can’t always handle the truth, and sometimes, we wish we never knew. I am yet to find any relationship that actually survived the so called truth.

So I am still asking, isn’t it better to just start a fresh, and leave your past in the past?

Preparing for my award

   Na wah o,i am yet to get the hang of this blogging thing,but am determined to do it! I like writing,even if my thoughts are not cordinated and I dont always have what to write about. I decided I was going to write everyday,I mean,it doesnt have to be a best seller story,just something to help hone my writting skills In preparation for my noble laureate award.(yes I said it,and I am going to win it)
    There's just one problem in this my beautiful plan towards achieving my goal...I dont have a laptop! I use a friend's own,and that's whenever the spirit touches him to renew his internet subscription,anyway with God on my side,I believe I ll work something out.