One
of most tortuous parts of a failing marriage is the wondering: Are
things going to get better? Worse? Are they going to stay the same?
1. Do I Have A Hard Or A Soft Problem?
If you have what marital therapists call a “hard” problem, for example,
your spouse is abusing you or has untreated addictions, says William
Doherty, PhD, lead researcher on the Minnesota Couples on the Brink
Project at the University of Minnesota, then you need to get out the
situation immediately. But let’s say you’re like most people in a tough
relationship, and, on thinking about ending things find yourself saying
things such as, “We’ve grown apart,” or “We’re just not in love
anymore.” That’s code , says Doherty, for another, unrecognized problem.
Are you lonely or feeling isolated? Do you feel disliked, criticized or
ignored? If you don’t know the specifics of what’s making you unhappy,
it’s pretty hard to figure out the specifics of what will make you happy
— whether these things have to do with your current partner or anybody
else.
2. Am I Already Divorced?
Maybe you’re living this scenario: You stay late at the office (the real
office, with desks not beds), then meet with friends for a book club or
a new play downtown. Meanwhile, he goes to the gym after work; then, he
watches
CSI and goes to sleep long before you get home. This
goes on for a few years — or 10 or 15. At that point, a divorce feels
like just a formality, says Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, author of
Make Up, Don’t Break Up .
The natural assumption is: well, if we’re already split up