Sunday, December 4, 2011



I think I have I have the worst fear of commitment in the word, I mean it scares me silly to even think of spending the rest of my life with one person. I refuse to imagine it, hence, my title ‘commitophobia’, correct me on that if I’m wrong.

I look at married couples all around me and I see unhappiness written on their faces, husbands and wives sitting together for hours without saying a word to each other, spouses cheating on each other like it was normal, and I’m thinking, is it worth it, all these years of unhappiness just so that I can be called a “Mrs”. I see young girls rushing into marriage unprepared because it’s what society expects from them, and then they live the rest of their lives with a happy facade, but secretly envying the single girls their freedom, and asking themselves “what happened to the love? And I am asking myself, will I ever be that woman?

My neighbour beats his wife silly at the drop of a pin, neglects her and their three kids, and still cheats on her with women is the neighbourhood, and she still stays and says “am here because of my children. Seriously? Now to a commitophobic like myself, this only helps to feed my fears, and really makes me question the whole marriage and commitment thingy again. I grew up in a home where my father beat my mother at the slightest provocation, we feared him more than hellfire and believe me when I say we feared hellfire. She was constantly unhappy, and crying was just a daily part of her life. From that tender age of seven, I made up my mind, no marriage for me, no sir. Now I’m older, I still see the same thing going on around me, although a couple of women have decided to stand up and say enough but the majority have managed to term it ‘a normal part of marriage’. I refuse to call it normal.

My younger sister got married two year ago, and she’s been deliriously happy, or so I thought. I was actually beginning to think that something was wrong with my theory until I saw her in the supermarket, spotting these really huge sunshades, after I managed to persuade her to remove it, I found the biggest blue-black eyes I had seen yet, yes her husband used her to practice his Tyson skills, but as usual she gave me the oldest excuse in the book “I walked into a wall a home” and back to square one I went. See why I don’t believe in marriages. You might call me cynical, but it’s the truth, and if you let yourself think for a minute before crucifying me, you will find that there is an innermost part of you that agrees with me.

The question is this, is giving up my freedom and happiness worth being called a ‘Mrs’,? Is fitting into society worth years of sorrow, regret and longing?

A friend of mine sent this to me, and she tagged it the fear of commitment and I ask myself, is she justified in her fears, is marriage really just a sham, or are there really happy marriages out there?



My friend’s relationship of 3yrs just ended because she told her boy friend the truth.
Yes! the truth. The same truth that “shall set you free.” Ironically, it did indeed set her free. We’ll call her Irene for the purpose of this write up. Irene and Tony had been dating for three years, they were the perfect couple, made indeed for each other, and nothing, I mean nothing could tear could tear them apart … or so we thought.
As the relationship progressed and Irene felt they were headed for the alter, she decided to come clean and tell Tony about the skeletons in her closet, so they don’t fall out and ruin her relationship later.
She sought for advice, and I told her to follow her heart, she knew her man better, although, I thought he could handle the truth. Some men can handle the truth; while some would rather you not tell them the truth.
And so bearing this in mind, she told him the truth - and nothing but the truth, so help her God – about her past life. That was the end of the relationship, it came crashing down like a pack of cards, Tony could not handle the truth, and so he called it off. He said he was better off not knowing about her past life and he wished she hadn’t told him about it. He just couldn’t handle the truth.
Chioma and Bello have been married  for 5yrs, and they were very happy until he was accused of theft in his work place. He went home feeling really bitter, and expected to find an ally in his wife. Instead, the opposite was the case. He found out that his wife actually believed he might have had a hand in it. He was broken. Co-incidentally, he had been involved in two other cases of fraud in his office, and his wife never really seemed to support him 100%, even though it had eventually been proved that he had no hand in it.
As he thought about it, it occurred to him that since the day he told Chioma about his past life, he lost her trust. She never seemed to trust him again, she did go on to marry him and still professes love to him, but she never trusted him again. That day, he regretted ever telling him the truth.
It got me thinking, everyone says there should be no secret in a relationship, but they can’t handle the truth. Something always changes when we tell our secrets to our spouses, something negative always happens. The relationship might not end, but there is a shift that inadvertently rocks the relationship, and most times leads to a break-up.
So my question is this, isn’t it better to just start afresh? Keep your secrets to yourself? Leave your past in the past? And pray nothing ever happens to revive it.